What · went · wrong · cuz · you · said · this · was · right

I don't know what's wrong with me any more. I am just not myself it seems, and I have no idea when this came out it just kind of hit me today when I woke up. I am the happiest I have been in forever, I have a boyfriend who truly cares about me and I love him. I just don't know. It upsets me more when I think about it because I just can't figure out what's wrong it drives me crazy. And when he asks me what's wrong I just don't know what to tell him I tell him nothings wrong because I don't even know what's wrong any more. I am happy and everything fine yet it's not and I can't explain it any more...

Well I have offically been kicked out of school. That's not really upset me yesterday I decided to go into work because I really need the money. Big mistake I got into a big fight at work with Mark. And it all went downhill from there I am so stressed right now I have no idea what I am doing with my life my hair is falling out like crazy. But the night ended up ok I guess I went to Ricky's after work and spent the night with him I am really falling for him I guess. Well that about it...O yeah people need to grow the fuck up. " I aint much 2 lose I am a hoe" haha why does everyone think this I think it's funny just because guys like me doesn't mean I sleep with them. I give up trying to be friends with people it's pointless...

~*~you got what you asked for what do I now have to show for it all?~*~

~*~Get a new life I think you should Get a new life cause the one you've got now ain't working out so good~*~

"why cant she just be happy the ways things are" to answer this I can't be happy with the ways things are because it's not what I wanted and you know that. I can't be happy for something that is nothing more then hooking up in my eyes. So you have things you need to take care of I respect you for that but I don't understand why we can't be together when you are taking care of those things. You like me this I know I like you this you know what is so hard about that. I understand your not one to hurt anyone. And I know I am not one to wait around for a guy but you are like no other guy, so I'll wait for you but I can't wait forever (sorry it was fitting lol). Don't get me wrong I love all the time we spend together but am I wrong for wanting more?

And to Jimmy I hate you for what you've done to me how can you wake up one day after the months of telling me how you want to be with me forever and decide you don't want to love me any more. In fact how does one person wake up one day and decide they can't love some one? I think it was all bull shit. I didn't do anything to you the only thing I did was be there for you no matter what. I gave you everything I had and you took it all. I mean you took everything from me you took my money you took my time you took my love. And I got nothing out of it nothing except a broken heart. You liked me for years and you had your chance and you fucked up. Remeber this when you get your life back on track. Remeber how I won't be there for you or Alexia anymore I won't be around to buy her diapers when you blow all your money on drugs. I won't be around to take care of her when you are to busy fucking up you life.

So I went on a last minute vacation to Ohio this week I have to save it was really fun but really stress-full two days with some family killed me besides that there were 6 of us in one hotel room which wasn't pleasant. O and another thing I have really bad sunburn which is odd because I have never had sunburn before in my life not only that it's on my nose and shoulders which really really sucks. And o yeah I fell asleep with sun glass's on in the sun so I look like a raccoon lovely right. Sigh I don't know any more.

I have been sitting in my room for hours when it hit me everything changed so fast everything is a mess. I am a total wreck no lie. I feel as if I am looking back on my life as a woman past her prime and realizing what I missed as a child. In fact I missed a lot of things. I missed having a family a tradition family any ways when I was in first grade my parents split up actually it was long before that only I am not sure exactly when. The only thing I really know for sure is they split up a lot and got back together. I have one very vivid memory of it though my mom had moved out and was living in homestead. And my dad my brother and I moved back in with her. I also remember getting those playschool skates that you wore with your shoes from my grandma early that week. And my mom and dad fighting things were thrown I am not sure what but it turned into an all out fight and I was crying I just wanted it to stop. I also know we had an ugly green chair that is in my dad’s house to this day and my mom moved it to keep my dad away from her and she picked me up over the chair and I was holding those skates and she took me away from it all. I wish that was the end of all of it but sadly it wasn’t. My parents bought a house together the one that my dad still owns in North Versailles. Around that time is when I got sick. And when I say sick I mean I was in the hospital for a while and I couldn’t breathe and no one knew what was wrong with me. I thank god that I had a loving family at that time because if I didn’t I am still convinced I would not be here today telling you this story. After I was better everything was ok for a while I guess my dad stopped drinking and my mom calmed down and we were a family I guess that bubble was shattered before it even took flight. Because my dad started drinking again and all my parents did was fight. And finally one day my mom couldn’t take it anymore and just left. At that time I bounced around from family member to family member every couple of months never feeling wanted and never getting comfortable because I knew once I did I would be taken away to another family member. Everything pretty much after that was a blur also after that I remember living with my grandma for a long time seeing my mom one weekend a month. In fact most of my life is a blur when I look back on it its like watching a movie in rewind you only catch bits and pieces of it and wonder what the hell happened. I don’t even remember why I started writing this long thing just think I needed to blow some steam I guess because everything has me proverbial fucked I guess. Well back to the point I guess I was just sitting in my room and I felt this overall sadness looking back on things and realizing I don’t have any good memories and childhood is over. This is growing up the thing that no ones wants to do but it all happens someday. I guess being asked if I wanted to a manager at work brought this all on my life is changing so fast I miss being able to go to friends house not worrying when I worked again or when my cell phone bill was due. I miss the summer being able to sleep in and pick up and go when ever my heart desired. Also I guess I am worried about my relationship’s now to all my friends are drifting away everyone graduated or was supposed to and don’t get me wrong I work with some of my best friends it’s just not to same. Everything changes and in fact I hate it. I am worried that I am missing out on so much still I am only 17 I am in a serious relationship and I feel so grown up it’s not funny I hate it I hate what I have turned into. My boyfriend has a kid we want to get married someday and I’m just worried. I have many worries like what if someone comes and tears me away from that to, what if I am not everything he is looking for, and what if I am a horrible mother, what if I am just not ready for all of this. Some days I wish I would wake up and be a little girl again when my family was still together and I will be in my pink canopy bed and o how I would change so many things I would do anything to fix things when I was little. I wonder some days if this is all a dream and I will wake up and it will all be over and without knowing it my life would be over.

Well I am dating Jimmy now and if you still talk to me then you know that. And work is really pissing me off so if you know any where around North Versailles that pays at least $5.75 an hour let me know. Well I was off for a while because I was going to Philly and I told them when I come back I can't work Monday's, and Wedsday's guess what that's the only days they schedualed me for. Go figure. And I just got a phone call from Amanda she said I don't even have to bother coming in tonight. I was like umm it's the only day I can work I have to come in. Psh and I was told I would be working morning during the summer guess what I still wotk fucking nights they gave my mornings to Amanda I'm just all over pissed off.

This weekend started out really bad with the snow but ended up going great. I shall recap it for you.

Friday

-It snowed we had a 2 hour delay I skipped school

-Lizz picked me up around 6:30 to go to the movie set

-We got sent home around 11 because a lot of extars didn't show up

-couldn't figure anything else to do so we drove around in the snow and did reverse doughnuts

Saturday

-Went to Westmoreland wal-mart

-Went to Westmoreland mall

-Met up with Julian

-Went to Super Panda

_Went to Classic car wash and met Julians super cute friend

-Went shopping some more

-Hung out at Julians house with his really cute friend and watched some movies

Sunday

-Went to Lizzs grandparents house

-Went food shoping with Lizzs family

-Came home

Also just some randomness "I don't think your friend likes my friend" 10 min. later his arms around me and he kisses me. "O shit theres the capital building are we in Washington D.C.?"

thats about it noted some details shall be left out to keep it semi pg rating lol